Stop Comparing Yourself to Others. Conquer Doubt by Mastering This One Thing
You’re here to conquer your doubt and one impactful thing that will do that is to stop comparing yourself to others.
Picture this: You’re having a great day. You woke up this morning and rocked that first hour, your kids were in a good mood, they were up and ready quickly, ate breakfast, had their homework done, and even had time to help clean breakfast up after. They get on the bus, and you take your morning and work away your top 3 priorities for the day. Wow, you’re rocking it. Lunch time comes and you’re feeling good, so you make a nice healthy wrap and green brain smoothie (because you are truly on fire!). You think to yourself, I feel good, I’ve had an awesome productive day so far, I’m going to take a few minutes to relax and check my phone…
You’re scrolling through your social media, there’s some fun entertaining reels on there. Oh man, cats are really hilarious! As you keep going you see successful people rocking it at what they’re doing, you see friends who just took a vacation, and you see people making videos online that are awesome. You start to think about all the stuff that you’re lacking. I’m not as successful as that person yet, or geez I don’t have the money or time for a vacation right now. Maybe I need to change how I do my videos to get more results.
Shoot, my amazing morning is turning to crap! WHY?
We are comparing ourselves to other people
As a work from home mom, the example above was me and it happened SO often! Although sometimes it happened before my kids even woke up in the morning. I would wake up, check my phone and already feel like I was behind. My mood would change from ‘today is a new day’ to ‘I’m already so far behind today, I have so many things I should do to get ahead’.
Just from looking at my phone, emails, social media, and updates, I noticed I was having less energy to get out of bed in the morning. Less happiness and excitement towards my kids in the morning. I would rush them more, feeling rushed myself. My thoughts about myself were affecting how I interacted with my family. My kids had time in the morning to eat and dress and do any chores, but I still would rush them.
Why was I letting other people’s lives and stories dictate my feelings about my day, my progress or my mornings. I was comparing where I was in life to where other people were and then I was telling myself I should be there. It is not fair to compare lives with other people because we don’t know their whole story. We don’t know what they have done to get there, what struggles they had or what their life has been. Just like they don’t know our story. There will always be people ahead of us and there will always be people behind us as well.
Why are we comparing ourselves so often?
People commonly check their phones in the morning, on breaks and in the evening. We are constantly on the move; our patience grows shorter as we can gain things quicker. We are seeing people succeed with what, to us, seems like days (yet we have no idea how long they have been working). The sucess stories we see online are usually more of a final result, not the journey that they went through or the failures they experienced to get there.
There is a common misconception that in order to have a great day or start your day off right you need to wake up at 5am or earlier. Although it is true that by waking up earlier you can get some serious things checked off your to-do list, it is not always feasible for parents. Some nights are no sleep from kids waking up, some nights are so late that waking up you feel like you just went to bed. Other nights can be good, but you have a light sleeper like me in the house, and they wake up at the same time as you and so you need to tend to them. Sometimes it just doesn’t work.
The truth is that it is not what time you wake up in the morning but the habits you have first thing in the morning when you do wake up.
Ask yourself these questions:
Do you…
- Wake up and check your phone?
- Hear your alarm and press snooze 10 times (I am guilty of this, and it was so bad my husband banned me from having an alarm clock on my side of the bed).
- Turn on the news?
- Drink some water or coffee?
- Exercise?
- Do a morning primer for your mind or body?
- Do you take a cold shower?
Let’s take a close look at that first one. Do you wake up and check your phone? If you do, no judgement at all here as I used to do it as well but, think about what it does to your mood or body when you do it. Does it make you feel energized and ready to take on the day? Does it make you want to curl back into bed because your list was too long, or you were scrolling social media and comparing yourself to others?
The truth is, often things are easier said than done! Am I right? We know what we should do and how to do it but knowing and practicing it are two different things.
I know I should eat healthier, and what foods are healthier, but sometimes I just want a bag of chips to eat from (it’s literally in front of my nose when I open the pantry)! I’m aware reflection and meditation are good for my mind, body and soul, but I don’t have time to do that every day. I shouldn’t compare myself to others but just by looking up and around I can’t help but compare.
So, how do I stop comparing myself to others?
Why is it important to silence that comparison in your head?
First, before we can know how to do something we need to know why it is important. Looking at the examples above and taking 30 seconds right now and reflecting, think about when comparing yourself to others has made a positive impact on your life. Was there a time when you were comparing, and you felt happy and fulfilled?
When you look at the world around you, you notice the things that are important to you. If success is important to you, you notice how successful people are. Either more successful than you or less successful than you. When you want to lose weight, you start to notice people around you who are fit or not fit. When you are looking to take a vacation, you notice people around you who are on vacation or planning on one.
We pay attention to the things that interest us.
But looking at those things, how did it really make you feel? Seeing someone further ahead than you in our journey often leaves you feeling behind, not worthy and maybe even jealous. Seeing someone less successful than you can maybe remind you where you started, maybe makes you feel power and confidence for being ahead of them, but maybe that leads to guilt in your mind for feeling like we are better than someone else.
The honest truth is that you are where you need to be in your journey. Your circumstances have led you there, your choices, your decisions, your experiences and your life. You don’t know what others have been through because people are masters at hiding things. You don’t know their full story so how can you truly be fair comparing? However, you do know your own journey and truthfully that is where your focus should be. Taking charge of your own life to live the fullest life you can.
How on earth do I stop comparing myself when everyone’s life is broadcast everywhere I look?
You can’t magically stop looking at everything, that is not realistic. What you are looking for is an honest way to stop the cycle of comparison leading to self-doubt. You want to break the pattern of looking at other people’s lives while judging your own unfairly. You want to stop the doubt from entering your mind and you want to stop doubting yourself when you’re actually having a good day! The answer to this question is simple – Recognize the pattern!
The pattern is the cycle in which we do things. First thing in the morning we have a routine, does it include checking your phones? During breaks, we sit and relax, but do we make conversation, or do we check our phone? In the evenings, are we watching tv, interacting with our family or scrolling on our phones? We need to first recognize the pattern that is causing us to self-doubt ourselves due to comparison.
3 Tips for success in recognizing the pattern of comparing yourself to others
1. Be aware of your routines and schedules
If we look at our morning, work breaks and evening routines, what would we see repeat itself? We eat meals usually, maybe we have conversations, maybe we have sport activities or family time. Maybe we check our phones or people watch. Be honest with yourself here, there is no fault because we have all done it or still do it.
By looking at our day in compartments of morning, work breaks and evenings we can get a clearer vision of what we do during those times. If we take notice of it, we become aware of it, and it becomes of interest to us. And what happens when something becomes interesting to us, we notice it more. So, the first step to recognizing the pattern of comparing ourselves is to become aware of your routines and schedules.
2. Take 2 minutes at night to reflect
This is a very quick exercise to recognize patterns. Just take 2 minutes at night before bed and look back at your day. Literally ask yourself when did I scroll on social media today. If you do this regularly, you should start to see a pattern of when you tend to do it.
The second part of this is to then ask yourself what task you did right before and right after that and what was your mood during those times. Is there a pattern linked to an activity or habit that you do which leads you to bring out your phone and start scrolling? Is it snacking? For me I would snack and almost subconsciously take out my phone.
3. Track your habits for a week
This is the most accurate way to recognize a pattern, but it is also the most time consuming. However, if you feel like self-doubt is coming from comparing yourself to others, it is necessary to do this.
Keep a pen and paper with you, even just a small notepad. Don’t use your phone here, we don’t want to develop any new bad habits. Lol. Write down what you are doing every time you switch tasks. Breakfast, leave for work, break with snacks and phone, checking phone email when I heard a ding etc. If you really write down your habits here, you will recognize patterns.
Why is it important to recognize the pattern of self-doubt and comparison?
Once you know when you are most likely to compare yourself to others, and you know the habits that lead up to it, you can then change your pattern.
“Patterns provide a pathway to power” ~ Tony Robbins
How to break the pattern of comparison
Once you know why you need to change and you understand how to change, the final step is to MAKE THE CHANGE.
Now you can develop a new pattern to stop the old pattern. The best way to do this is to look at what triggers you comparing yourself, which if you do this exercise, you will now know. Then what you do next is you tie a new habit to it which is different from taking out your phone. Here is an example.
You have a work break, you grab your snack and sit at the lunch table alone. You have noticed every time you sit at your spot in the lunchroom with your snack you automatically take out your phone to scroll your social media account and get up to date on all the news. This is the pattern. The habit leading up to it is break time and sitting down. The new pattern you could attach to it is to sit next to someone else at a table. If you sit down at a table with someone you can start a conversation and break the pattern of taking out your phone.
Let’s look at another example. You’re in a business boardroom for your daily briefing or meeting. You arrive early and begin to watch your colleagues walking in. You notice their clothing and maybe their fitness level because these are important to you right now. But it is a pattern that leads to your self-doubt. So, what is the habit leading up to it? It could be that you always arrive 15 minutes early and sit down waiting for everyone else to enter. How do you break the pattern when it is attached to a good habit?
You reframe your thinking. Options could be you give yourself a pep talk or read a confidence building quote before you enter the room. You could do a 2-minute grateful journal before you enter the meeting. Think about it, if you write down three things you are grateful for about yourself before you enter that room, you will be in a positive mindset and no longer likely to judge or watch others because you recognize your own value.
Find your pattern and replace it with a new one!
Final Thought and Next Steps
Self-doubt can creep up on us. Sometimes it is because of past failures and sometimes it is related to words used by others towards us. Most often, we create this self-doubt internally, through comparison. Comparison to others’ lives, families and bodies. When we do this, we are training our minds to believe that we are not good enough, that we are not capable and that we are not worthy.
This should be the opposite of what we say to ourselves. We should say we are unique; we are original, we have life experiences like no one else. But when we compare ourselves to others too often, we spiral down a hole and start to believe the negative thoughts that we tell ourselves. If we don’t recognize the pattern, it can be hard to stop, and we won’t lead the life we know deep inside we truly deserve.
You are deserving of a wonderful, fulfilled life and you have more than you know to offer the world. If you find comparing yourself to others is causing you more self-doubt, remember the tips to break that pattern.
- Be aware of your schedule and routine
- Take 2 minutes at night to reflect
- Track your habits for 7 days
Use this worksheet to help you recognize the pattern. Remember that once you find the pattern and the habits that trigger them, you can develop new patterns and habits to change the outcome.
Comment below if you recognized a pattern of self-doubt and comparison. What was it and what new pattern or habit are you going to implement to change it? There are others with the same habits and may be struggling to develop a solution. You could have the answer someone needs.
